


The Price of Melodrama

by LawnNinja



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Xemnas regrets a few life choices, Xigbar is an asshole, also water is wet and the sky is blue, like being an impractical drama queen, rating bumped for middle-school level humor, this is a two-shot now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-06 13:22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15195665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LawnNinja/pseuds/LawnNinja
Summary: Xemnas never imagined that one of the hardest parts of his plan would be the stupidnames.





	1. Chapter 1

Xemnas watches the letters spin around in the air, waiting for the most dramatically opportune time to stop the unusual roulette. There's no real need for theatrics, the reprogramming works fine without them, but he supposes melodrama is a habit that's hard to break. He flings out his hand to reveal ...

_Bigrax_? Really?

He waves his hand to start the spell spinning again. It's a very good thing Braig won't remember this part of his official induction into the Organization.

 

Honestly, if he didn't know any better, Xemnas would think Xigbar has already grown his heart back, given his raucous laughter at the result the anagram spell spits out.

"Naldix!" Xigbar wheezes, barely able to catch his breath. "Oh man, I wish I had a camera!"

He takes a mulligan, gets the much more sensible _Xaldin_ , and resolves never to reprogram another Organization member around anyone else ever again.

 

The problem, Xemnas thinks, is that the spell is designed to create anagrams of words, not names. He manages _Vexen_ on the second try, but _Lexaeus_ takes nine - the rest either sound terrible or have the word _sex_ in them somewhere.

Surely this time he'll get a decent one on the first try. Three letters and two are vowels, how could it go -

_Saxi_.

\- wrong.

  

Their newest member nearly topples over again, still getting used to having legs instead of a tail. Xemnas doesn't even let the spell go a full rotation before stopping it.

_Demyx_. He's not sure he's terribly pleased with it, but it's the first in sixteen attempts that's even pronounceable. He doesn't think the boy's going to be able to stay on his feet much longer and he just wants to go take a nap. It'll work.

 

_Saxor_? Ugh, no. That sounds completely ridicu-

Sora lifts his eyes too early. Xemnas nearly panics. Once he reads the new name, it'll stick unless he starts all over, and even without any of his memories it had been quite tiring to strip his sense of self away. He assumes Ventus has something to do with it. There has to be a connection there, there's no other explanation for why Sora looks the way he does now.

Unfortunately, his train of thought distracts him for a few seconds too long. Before he can so much as move his hand, Sora reads the name and - "Roxas."

Oh. Well, now he just feels stupid. Of course Roxas defaults to reading right-to-left like he does instead of left-to-right like the other Organization members - they both learned to read on the Destiny Islands, after all.

"That is right -" Xemnas says with a malicious grin - "the new you."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is completely unconnected to the first chapter, except that it was indirectly inspired by greeneggs101's comment. Honestly, I can't decide which scenario is funnier :P

Xigbar strides into Xemnas' office with a scowl on his face. "Are you _done_ yet?" he mutters, leaning over to glance at the paper Xemnas is examining. "I'm starting to run out of excuses to delay picking the new guy up."

Xemnas frowns, then goes back to reviewing the list of names. He sighs and crosses another off.

Xigbar rolls his eye. "Luxord." Xemnas raises an eyebrow, and he taps one of the crossed-off names. "Switch the X and the L. I could write a program to do this for you, y'know."

He doesn't want to admit it, but Xigbar is right. "I prefer a more personal touch. Tell Saix to come in."

"Whatever you say, _Mansex_ ," Xigbar chuckles just loud enough for Xemnas to hear.

He grits his teeth and reminds himself that, despite Xigbar's knack for acronyms being a double-edged sword, he has many very useful skills. The most important ones require his mind to be intact and mostly unclouded. Which means that he can't simply crush his will or turn him into a dusk.

"Hey, Blue! Our Supreme Leader has a job for ya!"

No matter how _tempting_ the prospect is.


End file.
